One Year of PC (Personal Carnival)

The One-Year-in-Country Mark has been reached! We arrived in Kiev on Sept 28th last year, and once we finally got out of the airport (after about a 6 hour ordeal involving TONS of lost baggage), we saw and felt Ukraine. I journaled on this wonderful milestone in my favorite coffee shop in Odessa on my way home from Kiev, and will share some of what I wrote to give you an idea of what it's like to reflect on a year for me.


One year in-country coffee toast in Kompote. Well, coffee and a croissant! People ask if I can believe it's been a year already. ALREADY? FOR SURE. I can't believe it hasn't been MORE than that in a lot of ways.

I am so very much the Peace Corps "type" that I never expected it to be this hard. And I know I have to temper the last two weeks or so with the big picture and not feel the whole thing was hard. After all, I had three conversations--with three different ticket ladies no less!--that were extremely successful information-exchanges where language used to dissolve me.

What has made time here so difficult is fear. It is out of fear that I choose NOT to think or feel painful things, which causes the anxiety to build up and spill out in unexpected times/places. I fear that negative feelings will hurt, cause me to be discontent, and ultimately, want to leave.

Well, I fear I have been wrong there. I can choose HOW I see this life, this Ukraine, this heart. I can feel my strength building and what was built. I am becoming powerful because of what I am doing, learning, seeing. Tasting! Maybe a year couldn't have ended soon enough, maybe it will. My smile is intact. My wide-eyed optimism has changed, I will admit that. My language skills are also better, and my likelihood to melt down in tricky situations is diminished. My friendships are long-distance or are bounded by language. I've missed HOME more than ever these last few weeks, but maybe it is also the feeling of the downward swing into completion of service. And a little voice reminds me to be careful as I'm not yet half-way through.

But listen: I am DOING Peace Corps. Really doing it. Maybe it has been harder than expected, but isn't that the point? At one year, it is time to stop feeling whiny about it. It is time to get off the rollercoaster and get in line for the bumper cars. At one year, it is time to banish fear, to embrace the changes within myself no matter how painful. My name means "Princess." And it doesn't get more beautiful than that, more hopefully settled and full of potential change. Calm in the storm. Peace in times of struggle. The ability to put aside fear and face the onslaught with grace and discernment. At one year, it is time to do these things. At one year, it doesn't matter what I haven't done but what I am doing. All we ever really have is right now, anyway. This moment and it's gone. All those moments to make a full year at the carnival. And the moments to come. Difficult or not, I am ready to meet them. And now is the time to remind myself of the "princess" I am.

And loneliness. What is that, really? A feeling that I am not wanted? I am necessarily alone because the journey demands separateness. I have many beautiful and different base camps, for which I am grateful. And I will reach the peak, and then the next, forever building higher.


So in my PC (Personal Carnival) service, I'm ready to start exploring more of the rides. I'm jonesing for a deep-fried Snickers, have tickets to see the bearded lady (she actually lives down my street!), and am happy to celebrate, this my one-year-in-country.

Best to you as you love the journey, your own carnival, and in knowing your own "regal" status as someone privileged to love in this world.

Ridin the Roller Coaster

So there is a page of one of our training manuals that depicts the traditional ups and downs for PCVs based on the time they've been in country. I've been meaning to pull it out and check on my own status, and finally did only to discover that I'm right on target.

11-15 months
Issues: Mid-service crisis, doubt about program/self/role/government, various failures over time, disillusionment, confusion in resolving frustrations with victories

Behavior/Reaction: Impatience with self/program/"system," blame on program constant complaining, lethargy, haughtiness with new volunteers

Dear me. Well, the previous blog about all the things I'm doing is still true-ish. I'm not really teaching yet, but I've got heaps of projects I'm working on and doing a fairly good job of keeping up with. So why is it that I feel so ineffective? Useless? It's hard to say, and even harder to enjoy the freedom that I do have now, even with the knowledge that such an opportunity will never present itself to me again (and is likely to change soonish).

I'm almost at one year, and it will be good to celebrate this accomplishment. My next stage is more hopeful and not far off, and of course, it is what I want it to be and I make it. This chart also includes ideas for getting through such stages, and one is planning holidays/vacations. So who wants to meet me in Jamaica at Christmas???

Cultural exchange

I'm coming up on a year in country now, and I've been thinking about things I will take back with me to the States. Recipes, habits, hobbies and stuff. I've also been thinking about things I will NOT take back with me. Here is a list for your reading joy:

Keepers
*Borsch
*Vareneky
*Using sour cream in the most interesting of ways
*A love of veggies
*Walking everywhere
*Patience
*Flexibility
*Making just about anything and everything from scratch (bagels, veggie burgers, pizza dough, sauces, cookies, more and more and more...)
*Making all my own teaching materials
*Hospitality, Ukrainian-style (which means insisting the guest eat as much as physically possible, stay as long as possible, and come back as often as possible)
*Juice
*How excited my kids always are to see me
*My dog! (I wish!)
*My landlady's laugh


Leavers
*Homemade dog food
*Language barriers
*Deep fears of getting stranded somewhere
*Ukrainian TV
*No central heat
*Thick turtlenecks and heavy coats (BAH winter!)
*Getting shouted/honked at when I'm running
*No SMOG checks

All in all, Ukraine's in my heart, and though my time here is short, I'm glad it's a permanent resident. :)

Just a lovely morning

It's Saturday morning here. The sun is shining, and though there's a chilly wind, it's a lovely day. I slept in, had a cup of DELISH coffee (thanks to Drew, who really hooked me up when he came back in March!), chatted with the landlady, worked on a project that I promptly took to the post to mail, to discover that I had a package! I got five brand-new books to keep me busy from my friend Tim. Then back home for another cup of coffee and French toast, which I also made for my landlady. It's a pretty sweet turnaround from the moment of anxiety I had when I woke up about not really having anything to do today. I can't wait to see what the rest of the day holds!

Beauty for beauty’s sake

Yesterday, on my run, there was a flock of birds high in the clear sky of Tatarbunary. This group of birds was actually dancing. They would divide into two groups, and those undulating droplet-like groups would move around each other in a sort of tango. Then the groups would merge, flow together, and then one bird would shoot out from the group to lead the next change in direction and shape. It was truly beautiful to watch, the way these innocent creatures were enjoying themselves and their world. I am honored to have seen such beauty.

Blessings as you love beautifully.

P.S.

After yesterday's comment, I watched one of my all-time faves, P.S. I Love You. Here is a poignant moment in some of the last lines:

"This is my one and only life, and it's a great and terrible and short and endless thing, and none of us come out of it alive."

Thought I'd share!

The ball is ROLLIN!

This is my one and only full school year during my service, and the excitement to make it an awesome year is bubbling out of me. I still don't have a schedule at school, but I'm not worried. It gives me a little extra time to get some of this stuff DONE! You see, I've just come back from a weekend in Kiev that was super fun but also remarkably productive, which leaves me with lots to do now! And what stuff might that be, you wonder? Well, let me tell you! (And categorically, since I seem to be a fan of that style these days)

∂ Special Projects Assistance grant
I want to write a grant and apply for some $$$ to create an English Resource room for my school. I would like to have a place teachers can go between lessons, store their books and materials, and even get work done on a computer I'd like to get in there. My school has internet, so an additional goal would be to make the room internet-accessible so that I can run tutorials on how to search for lesson plans, activities, worksheets and more. Hello 21st century!

∂ FLEX
The Future Leaders Exchange program is something that the States started. It provides students in former Soviet countries the opportunity to live in America for a school year to practice English, share their culture and learn about ours. The interview process is coming up, and I'm hoping to hand-select a few students and help coach them toward that interview. It's an amazing chance for these kids; those who I've met who were in FLEX are greatly changed with expansive world-views. It would be awesome for my village to have such an experience, because not just one kid would go, but it would really open up the world to the whole town.

∂ NuShcho
We have a newsletter in Ukraine that PCVs can contribute to called NuShcho (it means "what's up?!") for which I am the editor. I'm excited about re-vamping the look and professionalism of this publication, hopefully inspiring more people to contribute on a variety of topics. Our next layout is in a week and a half, so this enthusiasm is well-timed!

∂ Warden Resource SNL Skit
During training, we are bombarded with information regarding safety in addition to all the cultural and language lessons. As a safety warden for my region, I am trying to help make that information more accessible by writing a mock SNL skit. Hopefully we can get this off the ground and film it for it to be shown in training. Fun!

∂ Summer Camp
My town really wants me to do a summer camp next summer. It's a big job, but I think that starting it now is going to make sure it happens. We're making small steps, but progressing toward putting on a 10-ish day beach camp. Also FUN!

∂ The Collaborative
My second meeting in Kiev was for a group called The Collaborative. It's somewhat fledgling, but I'm really excited about where it's going. In each region, we will recruit a facilitator to host a meeting for Volunteers in that area to work on professional development. We all have different projects, ideas, resources and abilities, and so this will be a chance to share those and learn from each other. I will host one soon, I hope!

∂ BOOKS!
There are several organizations within the States that provide books for schools and specifically Peace Corps volunteers. One of these amazing groups is Darien Book Aid, and hopefully we'll soon be getting a box of books to add to our fancy new English Resource Room! ;)

∂ New TEFL Volunteers
I've been corresponding with a few in-coming TEFL Volunteers (arriving in just 2 weeks now), answering questions about packing social climate, host family gifts, you name it. I am thrilled to have the chance to go visit a training cluster (probably early November) in a mentor role. I remember my experience with my mentors during training, and it was truly helpful to me. I hope that I can return the lessons learned!

This going to be a GREAT year. I will be so busy I may not even notice the cold (riiiiiiight). The inertia is strong now, and I hope to maximize all the resources I have while I can!

Thanks for listening as you love!