"We're all of us alone anyway"

There are few concepts I have encountered in various ways that I have rebelled at ferociously. For one, I still can't get this pre-destination/omniscience of God. Or why people still prefer Myspace over Facebook. Or why almonds and chocolate are a very special gift from God. Or how anything past algebra works and who the heck invented all that crap anyway?!?! When a very dear friend told me I was in control of all my emotions, I fought him so passionately, until I realized he's right. I'm ok with everything else being a mystery, though. Except one other concept: "We're all of us alone."

As many of you are probably at least semi-aware, I loooooove P.S. I Love You. I think that by the time it left the dollar theatre, I had spent a whopping $8 on that movie (and probably triple that in gas!)...you can only do the math to figure out just how much I love it. But towards the end, Holly (Hillary Swank's character) finally realizes that her husband is really dead and really gone forever. She freaks out about it a little, and cries to her mom who replies, "Well, we're all of us alone."

Ever since, I've been milling the concept around in my mind. Is it true? If it is, it's terribly depressing. What a worthless existence if we're all just all alone all the time, no matter what or who. But it must be true to a certain extent, because I'm the only one to experience what I've experienced, just as you are the only one to have your experiences by nature of existence itself, so of course we're all alone in our own experiences.

But still, why is this quote still so depressing? I sit here on my futon in my apartment, having been "alone" since about 4:15 this afternoon when I left work. My apartment building has 10 total units, and all but two (mine and Kelly's) are single-tenant only. And from my excellent "monitoring" skills, I know that many of my neighbors spend their evenings inside their apartments, alone. Alone in their experiences and alone in the more pragmatic sense. The thing is, I would love to get to know them. I'd love to have them over for a beer, for a piece of this tasty Cinnamon Butter Bread I just made. Across history and culture, humans are inherently social creatures. We need contact with other people...hence the reason solitary confinement causes insanity and that the family-unit structure has remained intact.

You see, there is something in me that tells me I'm not quite as alive if I'm by myself for long periods of time. It becomes depressing...like I'm only living to work. I go to school, am surrounded by hundreds of people I don't know and who don't know me, and then I leave and do my "thing," until I wake up again and do it all over. It's funny, because I actually saw plenty of people on my post-work run and have been chatting on IM and leaving Facebook messages. I'm listening to Third Eye Blind, and was recently watching a new facet of my family/friends base, Beverly Hills 90210. So why do I still feel alone?

It's thoughts like these that have finally helped me "label" myself. All through college, waaaaay back when I was still a DCE major, it was all about the What Color Are You? and the Myers-Briggs and the What Animal Are You? and the Introvert or Extrovert? tests. And as in our last presidential election, just over half the opinion swayed red and the rest blue...leaving one very confused and unhappy nation of me. One particular bone of contention was intro- or extro- vert? Finally realizing that I really do need to be around people has helped, but also completely freaked me out, because of how often I feel alone. What am I ever going to do in the Peace Corps where not only do I not know anyone or speak the language, but I won't even understand the process of buying a bus pass? Aside from having to take cold/lukewarm/low/no-pressure showers, loneliness is my biggest fear about taking off for two years. If I feel lonely here where I DO speak the language and I have all my people at least within a phone's reach, how will I combat that loneliness?

In order to reconcile this terrible concept, this isolation intrinsic in being alone all the time despite being surrounded by people and their lives, I'm realizing that though I'm alone in experiences and that pragmatically I even feel lonely, I'm never actually alone. I'm built by all the interactions I've had. I'm shaped by my experience with humanity, both good and bad. There is always something new someone will teach me based on their own alone-ness of experiences. And we will all continue to build each other always.

After Holly's mom makes the comment that we're always alone, she adds that "even if we're all alone, then we're together in that, too." It's because of each other that we're not alone and it's because of each other that we're who we are. Loneliness will come and go, but the experience of being me will always be flavored with you, my dearest friends and family, and that's something I can take with me anywhere.