The One-Year-in-Country Mark has been reached! We arrived in Kiev on Sept 28th last year, and once we finally got out of the airport (after about a 6 hour ordeal involving TONS of lost baggage), we saw and felt Ukraine. I journaled on this wonderful milestone in my favorite coffee shop in Odessa on my way home from Kiev, and will share some of what I wrote to give you an idea of what it's like to reflect on a year for me.
One year in-country coffee toast in Kompote. Well, coffee and a croissant! People ask if I can believe it's been a year already. ALREADY? FOR SURE. I can't believe it hasn't been MORE than that in a lot of ways.
I am so very much the Peace Corps "type" that I never expected it to be this hard. And I know I have to temper the last two weeks or so with the big picture and not feel the whole thing was hard. After all, I had three conversations--with three different ticket ladies no less!--that were extremely successful information-exchanges where language used to dissolve me.
What has made time here so difficult is fear. It is out of fear that I choose NOT to think or feel painful things, which causes the anxiety to build up and spill out in unexpected times/places. I fear that negative feelings will hurt, cause me to be discontent, and ultimately, want to leave.
Well, I fear I have been wrong there. I can choose HOW I see this life, this Ukraine, this heart. I can feel my strength building and what was built. I am becoming powerful because of what I am doing, learning, seeing. Tasting! Maybe a year couldn't have ended soon enough, maybe it will. My smile is intact. My wide-eyed optimism has changed, I will admit that. My language skills are also better, and my likelihood to melt down in tricky situations is diminished. My friendships are long-distance or are bounded by language. I've missed HOME more than ever these last few weeks, but maybe it is also the feeling of the downward swing into completion of service. And a little voice reminds me to be careful as I'm not yet half-way through.
But listen: I am DOING Peace Corps. Really doing it. Maybe it has been harder than expected, but isn't that the point? At one year, it is time to stop feeling whiny about it. It is time to get off the rollercoaster and get in line for the bumper cars. At one year, it is time to banish fear, to embrace the changes within myself no matter how painful. My name means "Princess." And it doesn't get more beautiful than that, more hopefully settled and full of potential change. Calm in the storm. Peace in times of struggle. The ability to put aside fear and face the onslaught with grace and discernment. At one year, it is time to do these things. At one year, it doesn't matter what I haven't done but what I am doing. All we ever really have is right now, anyway. This moment and it's gone. All those moments to make a full year at the carnival. And the moments to come. Difficult or not, I am ready to meet them. And now is the time to remind myself of the "princess" I am.
And loneliness. What is that, really? A feeling that I am not wanted? I am necessarily alone because the journey demands separateness. I have many beautiful and different base camps, for which I am grateful. And I will reach the peak, and then the next, forever building higher.
So in my PC (Personal Carnival) service, I'm ready to start exploring more of the rides. I'm jonesing for a deep-fried Snickers, have tickets to see the bearded lady (she actually lives down my street!), and am happy to celebrate, this my one-year-in-country.
Best to you as you love the journey, your own carnival, and in knowing your own "regal" status as someone privileged to love in this world.
2 comments:
Sarah:
I am COO of Water Charity, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that does water, sanitation, and public health projects worldwide. We recently started a new initiative, Appropriate Projects, to fund small water and sanitation projects very quickly.
I am a Returned Peace Corps Volunteer (Bolivia ’66-’68), and am well aware of the difficulties Volunteers face in the field. Appropriate Projects is an addition to our regular Water Charity model that is allowing us to provide project resources to PCVs in the field immediately.
Often there is that little project that must be done now (before the rains start, before school begins, or in response to a critical need), but there are no funds available. Traditional funding sources are cumbersome, and there are long forms, detailed requirements, limited resources, and long delays.
PCVs working in water and sanitation usually have potential projects lined up. For those working in other program areas, there may be water components to their projects, or improvements needed where they work or teach.
Sample projects may be: a rainwater catchment, handwashing stations for a school, water for a clinic, piping, tanks, pumps, sinks, latrines, wells, etc.
We like to “finish” projects that have been started, and “fix” things that have ceased to function.
We encourage follow-up projects that expand upon the successful completion of the first small project.
If you have a project in mind, please fill out the application form. We want this to be easy for you, so we have developed a simple form that you can fill out in one sitting.
If you have any questions about the appropriateness of your project, or you need some time to get it together, just let us know.
If you do not have a project that qualifies, please pass this message on to your fellow Volunteers who may have an interest. Finally, if this initiative resonates with you, please let others know what we are doing through your social networks, websites, and blogs.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Regards,
Averill Strasser
Appropriate Projects
http://appropriateprojects.com
Water Charity
http://watercharity.org
Oh Sarah, this post reminded me how much I missed your regular blog posts during the summer!
So glad you had the chance to reflect on the one-year mark... it's times like these when we truly discover who we are and what we're capable of. We, my friend, are only in the beginnings of this discovery and it's so exciting to be walk through it with you.
Looking forward to this next portion of our journey...
with love,
Nat
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